Incoherent Babbling...

I suck at life.

How do I get out of this?

I know that God is the only answer, but it’s like, I pray, but can’t mean it. I can’t fully believe that He is sufficient and my highest good. I can’t surrender myself to His control, because I’m selfish, self-absorbed, ambitious, individualistic, stubborn.

I hate myself for all those things. But I cherish them too. Losing my stubbornness might mean losing my identity. Can’t have that, right?

Who cares? Why is my “identity” so stinkin’ important if it sucks? Why cherish my personality traits, when they are undesirable? When they make life harder? When they put barriers between me and God, not to mention between me and the people I love the most?

I just don’t want to change. I don’t want to make sacrifices. I don’t want my life to go a direction that isn’t my first choice. I don’t want to be broken, convicted, confronted. I want to be ME, and then everyone else love, adore, and cater to me.

And ultimately, that attitude is the result of not believing the Gospel. Truly believing the Gospel, believing in God’s ultimate beauty and worth, just kind of naturally makes self seem unimportant. I know this. But I have a hard time arriving at that perspective. From my concrete, here-and-now, self-absored perspective, it just looks like life is too hard. I lash out in frustration, screaming, “Why can’t life be easy? Why can’t I be happily self-absorbed and immature?”

Shallow self-absorption doesn’t bring fulfillment. I’ll never live life to the fullest, or experience joy, as long as I think that way. I’ll kill myself chasing after things that have no true value, and then wonder why life seems so empty.

I need help. Help in thinking differently. Help in seeing things the way they really are. I pray, but can’t figure out how to articulate what I need. The Bible says that in such times, the Holy Spirit groans in our behalf. I need that.

Not that I deserve any such attention. I’m a dirtbag, I really am.

A dirtbag that God chose to redeem, for some crazy reason that I will never understand. He showered His love on me when I had done (and still have done) nothing to deserve it. He offers joy, and life, and love that I can’t even comprehend. And this is the only thing that gets me through times like this, or life in general.

I have no worth, except in what Christ has given me. And that is the greatest worth of all.

Senioritis, or Something

I had the craziest thing happen to me today.

Well, it wasn't so much an outward thing that happened, so much as a thought that ran through my head. I was tempted to quit school.

Don't worry, I have absolutely no intention of throwing away all my hard work for the past 3 years. I fully intend to get this degree. But it was just one of those thoughts, that you don't even entertain seriously, but can't help but be attracted to. "I'm not pursuing a career in Classics. I just want to be a writer and have kids or something. I don't need a degree. I could really use more time to research/write the things I've been wanting to write..."

And so on.

Maybe this doesn't seem earth-shattering to most of you (most people I know gripe about school at some point or another), but for me, this is unprecedented.

My life has pretty much revolved around school, for years. It wasn't just a means to an end (I've really never been career-driven), it was an end in itself. I devoted my entire high school career to earning the scholarships I would need to pay for college; and once I got here, school remained the number one priority. I devoted the vast majority of my energies to achieving perfection in every single class; partly because I enjoy learning things (I honestly do), but mostly because I was driven by an unhealthy perfectionism (the 4.0 was an absolute must) and a need for some kind of goal to direct my life.

Last semester I was dead set on going to grad school after I finished my degree, not so much because I need a master's degree, but just because I was terrified of having to deal with a life in which all I had was a pharmacy job or some other repetitive, endless career. Life without school was this terrifying vaccuum.

In recent months, God's really been showing me just how skewed my priorities have been. (That first B I earned last semester, and my completely irrational devastation that resulted, kind of forced me to reevaluate.) I've come to recognize that I've been pretty much insane this whole time. I used to justify it in my mind, and with other people, by saying that my relentless study was the result of a desire to glorify God in what I was doing, and there may have been a grain of truth there, but I was mostly just trying to find fulfillment in school in itself. As nutty as that sounds. (Seriously, I don't expect you guys to identify with this situation. I'm not the only one who thinks I'm crazy.)

So today, when I was tempted to quit school, I was a bit disturbed on one hand, but pretty encouraged on the other. Wanting to be through means that I'm getting over this need for school as some sort of crutch. It means I view other things in my life as more important. Maybe I've turned a corner!

Or maybe I'm just a senior. :)