Incoherent Babbling...

I suck at life.

How do I get out of this?

I know that God is the only answer, but it’s like, I pray, but can’t mean it. I can’t fully believe that He is sufficient and my highest good. I can’t surrender myself to His control, because I’m selfish, self-absorbed, ambitious, individualistic, stubborn.

I hate myself for all those things. But I cherish them too. Losing my stubbornness might mean losing my identity. Can’t have that, right?

Who cares? Why is my “identity” so stinkin’ important if it sucks? Why cherish my personality traits, when they are undesirable? When they make life harder? When they put barriers between me and God, not to mention between me and the people I love the most?

I just don’t want to change. I don’t want to make sacrifices. I don’t want my life to go a direction that isn’t my first choice. I don’t want to be broken, convicted, confronted. I want to be ME, and then everyone else love, adore, and cater to me.

And ultimately, that attitude is the result of not believing the Gospel. Truly believing the Gospel, believing in God’s ultimate beauty and worth, just kind of naturally makes self seem unimportant. I know this. But I have a hard time arriving at that perspective. From my concrete, here-and-now, self-absored perspective, it just looks like life is too hard. I lash out in frustration, screaming, “Why can’t life be easy? Why can’t I be happily self-absorbed and immature?”

Shallow self-absorption doesn’t bring fulfillment. I’ll never live life to the fullest, or experience joy, as long as I think that way. I’ll kill myself chasing after things that have no true value, and then wonder why life seems so empty.

I need help. Help in thinking differently. Help in seeing things the way they really are. I pray, but can’t figure out how to articulate what I need. The Bible says that in such times, the Holy Spirit groans in our behalf. I need that.

Not that I deserve any such attention. I’m a dirtbag, I really am.

A dirtbag that God chose to redeem, for some crazy reason that I will never understand. He showered His love on me when I had done (and still have done) nothing to deserve it. He offers joy, and life, and love that I can’t even comprehend. And this is the only thing that gets me through times like this, or life in general.

I have no worth, except in what Christ has given me. And that is the greatest worth of all.